The New Year Is Here. 2023. I do not say “New year, New me”. It is the first time in my life where I do not want to rush having “x, y, z goals done by (this amount of time)”. I want to take things at my pace. Although darkness looms at my front door and sometimes I feel the darkness seeping through the cracks, I am too afraid to accept it. There has been so many years, years. I thought “this would be the last year”, “this is it”, but every time. I was afraid to do it, because I knew there was a part of me who had hope and wanted to continue to live. I am broken and in pain, but there are moments where I found satisfaction. Those moments, are the moments. I was afraid to lose and what has kept me going, and continuing.

The question is, what is next?

I am not a victim of anything, I am not a victim of life. I question how I can logically solve my problems rather than emotionally. How can I cope with how I felt.

I have learned skills to keep my mind off things, learning means making mistakes and learning from them. Personally being put in an uncomfortable situation has tested who I am as a person and makes me think how can I make this better for next time?

I am taking things at my pace. Things are best to be done at slow and steady than not at all.

Peace out!

Every time I start this. I am always amazed at where I am at emotionally, physically, mentally. Every time it is different. I feel like I am always setting new goals and looking forward to my future. The choices I make define who I am, and who I am not. Recently I did have my heart broken once again, and it doesn’t get easier any time. Finding ways to cope with myself I find to better myself always helps me emotionally and mentally.

If you’d asked me 8 months ago where I thought I’d be. It would be a totally different answer than what I experienced today. If you asked me 2 months ago where I would have been or my plans it would be different from what I thought and where I am today.

Firstly, I started a new job which for the first time I actually really like. I do not mind it, and most of all I do not dread coming into work. Secondly, I live in an amazing area where I get to experience new adventures and see beauty in nature/city. Thirdly, although I spent the last year building a relationship with friends and family. I am strong enough to keep those relationships and be strong enough to be on my own and put trust in those relationships.

This year I have accomplished getting a job I do not dread, riding a motorcycle, learning how to handle and shoot a gun, traveling to Palm Springs Aerial Tram on my own and going to Solvang, being confident to dine out alone. I even went to the Long Beach Convention Center for MidSummer Scream 2022! I also recently moved out of state going to a place I know no one, and accomplished getting my own apartment.

The year is not over. I cannot wait to ski! Go backpacking/camping on my own! Come back to Los Angeles to visit friends and family! Save up for that motorcycle I am going to ride through my new state next summer! I am trying to get into running and boxing. Have a good holiday and meet new people to make friends! 🙂

Although I did experience a heartbreak. I still put love into others in my job. One day I hope to love harder and be someones’ partner. For now I am strong for myself, and will never stop continuing to work on my mental, physical, and emotional health.

07.29.22 6 days to go.

My life is about to change. I am thankful for having supportive family and friends. It is a big change that is happening in a week. I cannot help but be excited but also afraid. This last year has been a challenge, I felt like I was in a comfortable place and did not grow. The reason being is because I was comfortable. I learned a lot about myself. I learned to better react to experiences, and learned how to better handle them next time and always to keep my mind open.

There has been quite a bit I have accomplished this year that I have never thought I would if you asked me when I was 15 years old. I never thought I would be able to ride a motorcycle, or learn to handle a gun, or even known to do archery. Never did I think I would enjoy leisurely cycling. Another thing is building a closer relationship with my family and friends or in matter of fact being open to stranger conversations.

Now here I am in less than a week moving away from what I have been comfortable with for 25 years, all I have known. This choice could be permanent, and reroute my comfortable life. I know I have support from here back home, but once I am there. I get to explore a whole new city, lifestyle, and weather change from living in sunny Los Angeles.

I am very unsure what the future holds for me. For now I will just exist, confined into society, and whatever happens will fall into place.

I am excited to explore the new city farmers markets, parks, trails. and foods. Oh the lack of Asian and Mexican food will be interesting. I have been super spoiled in Los Angeles with amazing foods, events, and the community.

Onto my next adventure in life for myself.

Lately

I never know how to start these things, but I come to many thoughts this year… My overall thought is my life isn’t where I wanted it to be when I turned 18 years old. Although there are many blessings/great things about my life like the relationships that help me grow with my family and friends this past year, especially getting closer with them.

I do feel like there is ALWAYS room for growth. I just been feeling stuck this year, I have turned 25 years old, in my mid twenties. What I mean by there is always room for growth, is you never stop trying to learn and improve yourself, ever. Always try to improve your individuality, mental health, and always find new ways to love yourself.

I need room for growth, staying comfortable in one place has not made me happy (I am talking about my own development). In the next few weeks are going to be exciting ones, but for the most important part is… I am doing this for myself. As much as I dislike putting this in here this economy is playing a big factor into many peoples life. It does affect everyone life’s but I am seeing this more in the younger generation, affecting them through career, schooling, relocation, starting family, dating, and mental health.

Anyway I got distracted talking to my boyfriend on the phone in the mists of this! I enjoyed exploring and making new memories with him and his dog Morty! ^.^

Till next times!

1 Month Later….

Herro Herro. Its me, I am back.

A bit has happened since the last month has passed. Continuing on my mental health journey, it has been going! I have been trying to do the most. I actually learned how to handle and shoot a gun for the first time! Growing up it was always a topic more kept in the dark and I am glad I was able to learn more about that. I did also learn how to ride a motorcycle! It took about 10 hours of handling, and I learned on the Kawasaki Eliminator 125! I do hope to get a motorcycle by the end of this year just for recreational driving!

I did do some target shooting with a gun & a 3 hour class. That was fun! I am however in the process of getting back into archery, but this time with a traditional bow.

Another thing is I am in a process of buying a used car! Which I am super happy! Old Betty is 21 years old this year, and I am concerned about the safety. Am in a process of a manual transmission car! Which I am super duper excited! It seems like it will be a dying skill since in California are moving towards electrical cars. In that thought I am not sure if I will be staying in California for another 3 years…

Lastly next month is my mini vacation trips! I will be taking the Palm Springs Aerial Tramway to hike at the the San Jacinto Peak! Funzies!!! Eating at Sherman’s Deli is a must. I might go to Malibu to grab some dinner that one seems tentative. I am also going to solo camp for a few nights at Sequoia National Park! All these trips I am doing alone, sometimes I wished I had a partner to do these things buuuut it does not stop me from doing them. There were many times I wanted to attempt things and waited for the right person, and waiting and waiting but I was let down. Its okay I have learned I can do these things by myself!

Overall I am having a great time! I am a bit stressed from working a lot but I am enjoying my time dating this one person and I hope it works out! He’s out of town right now in Utah, I can’t wait until he gets back! Right now I am balancing it all. I love hobbies and always will make time for them, work, my ambition of working on projects/problems for software engineering, mental health, family and friends, dating, time for myself, and just sleep. Can anyone tell me why doing errands take up so much time!

Today is Memorial Day, I just like to point out freedom is not free. Thank you for those who have served.

Why is Wasting Time So Addictive? (Nope, I don’t have the answer either.)

This time lately I have been using to improve my mental health. More recently I have been getting into planting my own little patio gardening and keeping my sourdough starter alive. I have been seeing someone but not dating anyone. I have found myself to be happy alone but also feeling stuck.

I recently got my blood test back to see what is wrong with me? What physical problem could make me so fatigue easily? The answer: Vitamin D. Isn’t everyone a hermit?

I finally have successfully after a year or so of therapy, every 2 weeks transitioned to pretty much closing my case. Transitioned to just venting about my days, and only going to therapy once a month just to talk.

Now that I have a healthier relationship with myself, and finally content with my mental health and have done everything for it. Now I feel stuck and need to get the ball rolling! In every aspect in my life.

At school I have done everything minimally that has been asked of me. I have not gone beyond on the capabilities of challenging myself, pushing myself. The reason being is because my mental health was suffering for so long. Now I am up ready and doing everything I love. I always working on growing my passions. So now I should take my future career in achieving to become a software engineer seriously now? I have set a goal in a year to achieve the most, above and beyond as I can before applying to any jobs. We all know that will take awhile during applying for jobs.

I am happy, I am content with myself… Finally. Now its time to work above what is asked of me outside of class. All while keeping my sourdough starter alive & plants. Little yoga (deep breathing). Waiting for Season 3 of Demon Slayer. Continuing to build a strong relationship with my sister & friends. School. Work. Staying alive, staying alive!!! (deep breathing) In meanwhile of all of this, let the new hobbies ARISE. ^.^

Four months ago if I asked myself if I was happy, I would say no. I ask myself that same question today. Although I cannot completely say I am happy, I am very hopeful. I am hopeful for many simple things. I do not feel sad or regretful of the things I have experienced, but instead will use it to form a better future. Some good, some bad, some content, but most of all never living in the past and live in the present.

There are many things I cannot say, but I can say this for a fact. If I died today, I did not die happy. There is much more to experience, more to be, more to see, and more to love. I have always been such a sensitive type of person, and I don’t wish to change that. When I love, I love hard. The memory is how I felt when I remember.

I know I am not alone, this past year I have grown closer with my family & friends.. although few… it is a lot of work, which is a good thing haha.

I just hope to have some luck, be in the right place at the right time to find the significant other. Growing up money was tight but it was always the simple things for me. Although I did not have much time or communication with my dad, he showed me acts of love by thinking of me by picking up a snack for me before he picked me up from school. Or when it was pouring rain and although there was room for him under the umbrella. He advised me I was the priority to be dry, he walked away in the rain. He sheltered me, and drove me to school. He made sure I was fed by cooking meals on time for me. and days he was too sick, he made sure I got something really good to eat to distract probably the pain he was feeling from cancer. When I think about it now, it would be easy for him to leave. My sisters were grown with a 11+ year age gap from me them being legal, my mom was not mentally there & they were not in love. He went away on weekends with someone he actually probably did love as long as I can remember. But he ALWAYS came back to take me to school and be home on school nights for me. He could of left me with my sisters and mom but he left as a memorable dad, who joined my sister & mom. Another angel who I lost 3 years ago my friend who has finally met my parents.

Just a lot of feelings….

I learned to enjoy time myself by eating at restaurants by myself, doing activities, and I am not afraid to attempt them alone because more knowledge the better.

I lived half my life without parents, emotionally raising myself. Having a disadvantaged childhood with a mentally ill mother, poverty. I somehow turned out decent…. Then I think about the many hoops I have to jump through still, and I feel like I aged 5 years more than I am already.

Anyway it is a lot for me right now & I am going to stuff my face in a Marie Calendars Pie. ❤

It is funny because whenever I come back to this, it has always been awhile. Then again I am not sure when I will update this. Lately I have been busy balancing school, work, managing my home, dog & cat, and putting effort into my family & friends!

I have been enjoying my time alone, time flies! It has been almost 8 months since I have been single! At first of course in the beginning I was heartbroken but now I have learned to enjoy my time alone! It has made me closer with family and friends, also Odin and Holo! My mental health has improved significantly. Some days are harder than others but usually I just treat myself out to eat! I found I don’t mind eating out alone! I enjoy my time alone!

Dating life has not been going so well or at least what I wanted. This is the longest I have been single since I was 18 years old & I have always been in long term relationships. Since then I have always wanted to be engaged & to get married(you know the path that everyone wants). I have been finding that path may not be for me or even maybe… not what I want anymore. On the end of the dating note, I don’t think I will really partake in it further. It is like…say… the inputs are always the same but expecting a different outcome. That is ridiculous.

Anyhoo, I just turned 25 years old and I believe this year will be different 🙂 My heart is filled with my goals, family & friends!

Also, I don’t think I will be continuing this blog, I have been busy. Best wishes! ^.^

Odin & I Have Grown Together :)

These days I haven’t been up to much. If anything I’ve had time for myself to think and reflect. What has changed since I’ve been here last is I am single for couple months, haha. For the past 8 years I have been in two long term relationships, and since then have not spent a holiday alone. Its been a few months now, and I would be lying if I said I was okay. At first it was really hard to adjust to living alone, being alone, and just having time for myself. At first it was super hard, there were days I would not get up from bed till the sun had set. I would be lying if I said I still didn’t have those days… Not so often now. At first I wasn’t patience and I wanted to fall in love really fast, but dating is hard… Most often my heart got broken, and with a lot of realization I found myself at the same place. Lost, lost that I failed to have the other person love me back.

Its been a few months of dating, and although I have not gotten the hang of it. Although feelings were not mutual, its okay. I learned to love myself, and accept myself. I learned with this time alone, it has made me stronger. I actually have spent more time with my 80lb dog Odin who is now one and a half years old, we love to go to the dog park in the middle of the night. I chase him around and he chases me around. We spend a lot of time together and I think he LOVES me single!

I have learned a few things these past months, and some are…

Love happens when you least expect it. Love is kind. Love is patience. Love has no bounds. Love is effort. Love is communication. There are many yet to discover with the right person. ^.^

To get my stress and anxiety out, I still am taking my dog Odin to the dog park. I am still training him because he is kind of stupid and has endless amounts of energy. I am going to my local hiking trail more often and I have gotten an e bike to ride around town, and soon looking for a hybrid/or road bike for my next one! 🙂 Learning to love yourself is to enrich your life with more, because life is too short to have regrets.

Till Next Time ^.^ Whenever!

Odin my Great Pyrenees Age: 4 months – ish

Let me begin with I never thought of myself of a dog person, I mean my first “pet” who I believe is family is my Tabby cat Holo. I had gotten him about a little more than 2 years ago (this year he will be 3 years old). It was my first time living alone and I was this dork who had a personality of a cat anyway! I fell in love with Holo and have been so happy with him, cats are very independent. I don’t love him any less, he helps me kill all the bugs in the house and protects me by alerting me someone is at the door! (More than my puppy ever will HAHA).

Anyway looking for Odin breed was a journey because they are not many sites that would lead you to this speicifc breed and if so it would be out of state. Cragslist had old postings, they would be mixed, or a number of other things. Now I do not know if Odin is mixed, and I think he is but he showing a lot of Pyr. and I saw his parents showing full Pyr but you just never know! I actually found a Facebook Group and got in contact with a breeder who was expecting puppies in May, and so I waited awhile.. a few weeks until they came out! Odin was a all white Pyr and the fattest of all! I picked him, and 8 weeks later I picked him up in California!

8 weeks to now… I am now a morning person, not by choice! He will hear my footsteps and bark for me, and not just the morning even at the middle of night! I don’t mind because he knows that I am his mom HAHA. He just gotten finished with his shots about two weeks ago (age:16 weeks). I was very strict in avoiding parvo, because puppies need all their shots before you can take them out to anywhere! I haven’t gotten to take him out for a walk everyday due to the excessive heat over 80 degree at 8am, and now the fire with the air quality! I cannot wait till this clears up more because he loves to run! (I have to slow him down with running due to can be growth issues with this breed). He is about 18 weeks and hes 45ish pounds! He is a absolute bugger when I eat my meals, but he is so smart! He has been crate trained since day 1, he does well in the crate and finds it his little space. He has not had a potty accident in 2 weeks, he knows to scratch the door to go outside haha. He knows the commands sit, paw, other paw, and we are currently working on wait. He learned to bark at me at month 3, and not protect the home because he hasn’t barked at anything, anyone, or any other dog yet! He a big ball of fluff and I keep him cool as much as possible due to his developing double coat in this California heat! Yes, he is a inside doggo and will always be! ❤ He is my little one and Holos brother, and has blessed me to be a dog mom. At time it can be hard, but hes all worth it! In upcoming weeks I hope to dabble back into photography and take amazing pictures for memories to capture memories of us!