Four months ago if I asked myself if I was happy, I would say no. I ask myself that same question today. Although I cannot completely say I am happy, I am very hopeful. I am hopeful for many simple things. I do not feel sad or regretful of the things I have experienced, but instead will use it to form a better future. Some good, some bad, some content, but most of all never living in the past and live in the present.
There are many things I cannot say, but I can say this for a fact. If I died today, I did not die happy. There is much more to experience, more to be, more to see, and more to love. I have always been such a sensitive type of person, and I don’t wish to change that. When I love, I love hard. The memory is how I felt when I remember.
I know I am not alone, this past year I have grown closer with my family & friends.. although few… it is a lot of work, which is a good thing haha.
I just hope to have some luck, be in the right place at the right time to find the significant other. Growing up money was tight but it was always the simple things for me. Although I did not have much time or communication with my dad, he showed me acts of love by thinking of me by picking up a snack for me before he picked me up from school. Or when it was pouring rain and although there was room for him under the umbrella. He advised me I was the priority to be dry, he walked away in the rain. He sheltered me, and drove me to school. He made sure I was fed by cooking meals on time for me. and days he was too sick, he made sure I got something really good to eat to distract probably the pain he was feeling from cancer. When I think about it now, it would be easy for him to leave. My sisters were grown with a 11+ year age gap from me them being legal, my mom was not mentally there & they were not in love. He went away on weekends with someone he actually probably did love as long as I can remember. But he ALWAYS came back to take me to school and be home on school nights for me. He could of left me with my sisters and mom but he left as a memorable dad, who joined my sister & mom. Another angel who I lost 3 years ago my friend who has finally met my parents.
Just a lot of feelings….
I learned to enjoy time myself by eating at restaurants by myself, doing activities, and I am not afraid to attempt them alone because more knowledge the better.
I lived half my life without parents, emotionally raising myself. Having a disadvantaged childhood with a mentally ill mother, poverty. I somehow turned out decent…. Then I think about the many hoops I have to jump through still, and I feel like I aged 5 years more than I am already.
Anyway it is a lot for me right now & I am going to stuff my face in a Marie Calendars Pie. ❤